Learning.....

I have been reflecting on the foggy feeling I had for several weeks after my husband died. They call it shock initially and after that fades, the foggy feeling comes. That is the best word I have found to describe it.

I believe shock is a blessing from God, it is actually the Lord totally lifting you and carrying you through the waters of a life changing event. Shock is the name the world has given it. Truly, if you would have asked me to name something that I thought to be difficult or impossible to survive it would have been living without my spouse. As God would have it and as He tells us in Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. " This verse is in my bathroom where I can see it daily and again in our living room. God's Word is powerful and true.

I can look back now and as I re-live the evening he died, I cannot believe I did not faint or become hysterical. I was able to comfort my then 5 month pregnant daughter, to comfort a young EMT who had never lost a patient in death, to make phone calls to loved ones......to find a way to tell my four youngest children that their Daddy had died - The Lord carried me, His Holy Spirit spoke through me to those people, He was strong, I was weak, He lead me to John Chapter 14, He lead me to gather my children upstairs in our bedroom, all sit on the bed that was mine and their Daddys, He lead me to read those verses without breaking down, then He gave me release and the ability to hold and cry with my children when I told them Daddy had gone to that place that the Lord had prepared for him.

We do not have to do anything on our own. He is always with us. He didn't remove loved ones from our lives to destroy us but to strengthen us and unite us even greater with Him.

I remember about 2 weeks after he had died I was driving to my sweet in-laws house about 40 minutes away. My daughter who was in the passenger seat asked me how I was doing and I told her fine - then a few minutes later she asked if I wanted her to take over driving, I asked why? She quietly said, "Mom, you've hit the rumble strips 3 times since we left home." I had no memory of doing that - I had no memory of the sound, the vibration, all the warning signs they are there to give, I did not register through my fogginess. I pulled over without a word and we switched positions, I then told her I had no recollection of hitting them and I just cried. It sometimes scared me to feel so out of control. But are we ever in control?

They say it is wise not to make any major changes in your life or decide on any important issues until your shock has subsided. I understand that now and agree with it - the Lord will put people in your life who will help you and safely guide you to Him and God will gently lead to safety those who consciously turn to Him and are dependent on His guidance, for HE is the one in control of everything.

That foggy feeling has returned now and then as I face a grief wave here and there, it can be an anniversary of the day your loved one died, facing your first of something without them, making decisions for your children without them, dreams that seem so real upon awakening, etc. One thing we are never without though is the presence of God. I am so thankful for Him. I have learned to be more gentle with myself as I recognize the fogginess and to pare down on going out or on any new commitments until it is gone - I stay in His Word and surround myself with those who will edify and encourage. I notice as time goes on that those foggy times do not last as long as the time before.

I am still learning and leaning - this road, this journey of living without my spouse is filled with potholes and detours - I am thankful for my Father's guidance in all things. He continually shows me His glorious stength and faithfulness.

"The LORD will give strength to His people; the LORD will bless His people with peace" (Psalm 29:11 NASB).