Drying the tears......

Am sitting here in front of my laptop, feeling utterly exhausted. I feel sick to my stomach and just kind of icky - I know that the last few days while traveling and visiting I kept many emotions, thoughts and memories, tucked in tight and now that I am at home where I feel stronger I am letting them roll over and through me.
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Each night while gone I read out of Psalms - in each one the Lord encouraged me to lean on Him and to let Him be my rock and my refuge. He will not fail me. Last night I read aloud to my room mates, Psalm 74. My room mates were my 15 year old daughter and my two youngest sons, 8 & 10.
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This is how mighty our Lord is: Psalm 74:12-17

12 For God is my King of old, working salvation in the midst of the earth.

13 Thou didst divide the sea by thy strength: thou brakest the heads of the dragons in the waters.

14 Thou brakest the heads of leviathan in pieces, and gavest him to be meat to the people inhabiting the wilderness.

15 Thou didst cleave the fountain and the flood: thou driedst up mighty rivers.

16 The day is thine, the night also is thine: thou hast prepared the light and the sun.

17 Thou hast set all the borders of the earth: thou hast made summer and winter.

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So, why do we doubt, why do we run, why do we let our flesh rule, time after time He shows how powerful and in control He is......if He can dry up mighty rivers, can He dry our tears of sorrow? Yes, absolutely! Each time we are flooded with them He knew even before the first one fell, He knows, He cares, He loves and He is there to comfort us.

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My heart is His; He made it - He gave it the ability to beat. He is healing it, even when it still feels very broken. I feel broken, but He tells me, this too shall pass.

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In order to let Him dry my tears I need to let them come......I try to0 hard to push them back and inside - thus the icky tummy and the feeling of disconnection. I pray I am obedient to let them fall......

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I missed my sweet hubby so many times during this weekend - and traveling without him I felt that strange feeling of unreality where I'd want to call him to update him as to where we were, what we had done, the funny moments, etc. I hadn't had that for months then realized this was the first trip back without him. I also saw friends and family who were seeing me for the first time since his death and I was hearing how sorry they were and I was talking again about it and it was tough. I ache to hear his voice, to look into his dark brown eyes, to have him hold me, to listen to him with the kids - so many things. I couldn't drive by our first house, the church we were married in, visit my mamaw's grave......just a few things I wanted to do, I couldn't. I know I will, but not this time.

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I did drive down a main street and showed the kids the old jewelry store where sweet hubby had gotten our wedding bands, it was quite something in its day - its doors and windows were papered as if it is out of business. I'll have to ask my mom about it - that made me sad. Drove by the cabinet shop that good friends of ours started way back when with hubby by their side - so many memories of those young men working hard to get things remodeled and an old building restored enough to use - bringing them milkshakes or just checking on their progress late at night. It was closed because of the holiday but I plan on going back someday to let the kids see it. All in God's timing.

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It is getting late, my stomach still feels funny, but I know I need rest. To my Father's everlasting arms I go.......