Awareness

I cannot believe November first has come and gone so quickly! It amazes me how fast time goes (most of the time.)

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In this second year of living with Jesus holding my hand I am noticing a few things. I am returning less and less to the deepness of my grief. I am aware of the fact that there have been changes. Subtle changes.

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Yesterday the children and I went to a park near a Army Corp of Engineers dam - we grabbed Subway for lunch and headed there. Was about 67 and sunny, God's creation all around us. As we were eating and visiting the youngest of the four with me told me an account of what his Daddy did the last time they were there together. Daddy and his two youngest had gone fishing and saw a trail that led to an observation tower that you could climb and visit. They took the trail and ended up climbing the tower - the account included the fact that Daddy made it even more exciting by shaking and then pulling up to a rod above him to hang by both hands and do chin-ups. Well - that made the two boys laugh in remembrance and I laughed too as I looked up and could picture my late hubby doing just that - he was such a kid himself sometimes and loved to make things fun for his kids like that. It was new to me, a story I had never heard and I treasured it. The awareness came later to me on the way home that things like this use to cause such deep, sharp pain. Now, with God's help and because of His love and faithfulness I can laugh, smile and be okay with the familiar ache it brings.

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I am aware that my joy has returned. I am aware of how important it is to let people know what you are feeling and thinking - and most importantly that you love them. I am aware and have accepted the fact that as my joy has returned and the sharpness and pain is leaving - that the ache of him NOT being with me and the ache of the loss is always going to be a part of me now. It is amazing to me how God brings this all about. It is nothing I can explain. I was not aware of how He was doing it in degrees but He was. It wasn't a switch He flipped on my heart and mind. In His perfect power and design it just is. As simple; yet complex as when He says, "I am".

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I still cannot remember what it was like the first few weeks after the sudden death of my sweet prince - I don't remember the "one month" date or what I felt unless I read about it - but the second month, November 9th last year, one year ago today, I can remember. God was slowly returning me to an awareness of my feelings, emotions, physical surroundings and was letting me feel more and more. Helping me to bear more and more. This post I can remember well, like it was just yesterday.

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I am thankful for the awareness and the returning to life fully, to full joy and to continue to bask in His ever present Grace. As I said, the familiar ache is now a part of me - it always will be and I am okay with that, the stinging in my eyes, the tears that flow, the still unreality of it will sometimes hit, but it is okay - I am not alone and the Lord has proven that to me over and over. I am still whole. I am so thankful.

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Who would've guessed that on the ninth of any month I could rejoice, I could be full of joy, that I could smile and appreciate all the blessings in my life - that I could feel content and thankful. One year ago I would have told you I couldn't - Praise God that He knew, that He is in control and that I can surrender all to Him. I pray you can as well!

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Recently I received an email from a sweet friend that described our loved ones that have gone HOME before us as cheering us on and I cannot express how that touched me - My sweet prince was ALWAYS my biggest fan, my biggest encourager and cheerleader - and he still is. So do this with me, remember those loved ones who are now Home with our Lord and Savior as cheering us on, encouraging us and waving us on towards the end of our race - the race where we will receive our eternal crown and be with our Father forever in the place that He has made just for us. Be aware of that very special place - we are not Home yet my friends, no not yet, it still awaits us, lets press on with joy and thanksgiving!