Raw emotion

There is no calendar to grief.....sometimes my emotions are just as fresh and raw as the moment I knew he was gone......the physical pain is surprising as well although becoming a familiar, yet unwelcoming presence.

Tonight our 7 year old wanted to look at pictures.....recent ones so we went to the computer and went from July through August of 2009. Pictures are very healing for the children.....for me they make the wound fresh. I call on God at these times especially to get me through those moments because they are so important in helping the kids heal.....there were a few times where I would stay an extra long time on a picture and he would look at me and I would explain that I was just drinking in Daddy's features......I think it's okay to let them know how much I miss him....every detail......his hands that I miss holding, his expressive eyebrows, his hair that I loved running my hands through.....the muscles in his arms.....his long, straight nose. Within seconds I felt the familiar ache across my chest from shoulder to shoulder. It doesn't stay as long as it used to.....it was with me 24/7 the first two weeks after he died. The chiropractor saw me a lot those first few weeks, it truly did help. Another young widow I am getting to know says that grief is like a train hitting your body.....it is traumatic physically. A picture of my sweet prince can literally take my breath away.

I have never had experience with this type of raw emotion.....I thought I had if you would have asked me.....but after losing my husband, I know I had not until now. Nothing but your faith in Jesus Christ as your Savior and knowing that there is a future beyond this earth can get you through a time such as this. Truly....if you would have asked me 6 months ago how I would handle the loss of my love.....my husband, I would have told you that I would not survive his loss. That I would curl up into a ball and die of despair..... I would have argued with God if He would have told me first of His plan. I am/was a follower....I was made complete with my sweet prince by my side.....I had never been without seeing him for more than a week or two at the most since meeting him in 1984. Once we were married never f0r more than 5 days apart and that was rare. People teased us because we said we truly could not sleep without each other!

My point is that I am not surviving his loss alone......if I were alone on this journey I would not be right here typing this. I don't know what I might be doing. My Father in Heaven, the Author and Creator of my life is carrying me.....He is faithful, He has not left me, He has not forsaken me. I cannot give an earthly explanation as to how I am walking so closely with Him. Those of you who know me well KNOW what I am talking about......this is not me, I am weak, I am vulnerable, I am human and God knows that. Somehow, some way He has prepared me and given to me the ability to open my spiritual eyes and recognize HIM and to keep HIM close. He amazes me, He fills me when I think I cannot be filled, He lifts me up when I feel so incredibly low, He even gives me sight to see joy during this most awful time of my life.....I can smile, I can laugh, I can be filled with a warmth as I see or hear our children, as I witness the innocence of our grand daughter.

I pray that you know Him.....I pray that you have an opportunity to worship with Him on a regular basis.....I pray that you turn to His Word and find strength, wisdom and comfort. Most of all, I pray that you are looking at your husbands in a new light......if any of you have taken him for granted, change your attitude and treasure your time, each second. Everyday with those we love is a GIFT from our Father. We had no idea that our lives would change in such a way on that Wednesday evening, but our Father, God did and He changes not.

Abide with Him and He will abide with you......He is a balm of healing to my wound.