Playing House

I was at the kitchen sink washing a small pile of lunch dishes when it entered my thoughts that I hoped sweet hubby would take his time getting home, we are having a sleet/rain mix today. Just a mere second or two after that thought floated through my mind that sick feeling washed over me, the pain and ache filling my heart. I know there is no "normal" to grieving.....but sometimes my mind can really play tricks on my heart.

That seems to happen a lot lately.....I'll be going through my day, thinking the thoughts that I have lived out 6 days a week for several years. Wondering how his day is going....wanting to share highlights of our day here at home....emailing him....doing everyday duties....laundry...where are his jeans, socks......the missing towel in the bathroom when I come into it. I can only imagine that this happens to all widows/widowers......especially after being together many, many years. I had only 23 years with hubby, but I have "met" two new widowed friends who shared less time with their sweet husbands and the good LORD reminds me to be thankful for every minute....whether it would have been 5 or 50 years with him. God's plan is perfection.

I find myself wanting to play house again......to see his boots in the mudroom, rinse out his coffee cup, plug in his electric toothbrush.....buy his deodorant at the grocery store. To be told I am the most beautiful woman in the world, to have his arms wrap around me as I stand at the sink. To hold his hand as we are driving.....hear his voice, hear him wrestling with the boys.....teasing the girls and hearing their giggles that were special Daddy giggles. Seeing his pile of things sitting on the counter top ready for him to take back to work the next day.

I am thankful that my Father, God is present to call on when I feel the strange feeling overcome me that feels so surreal when I remember the most tragic event of my life thus far.

I was home alone for the first time the other day for about three hours. I felt ready for it and even looked forward to it. My oldest daughter took the rest of the children to do some shopping, secret shopping. I turned on a favorite CD and did a few dishes. Sat down at my desk and looked up at his photo and felt that strange feeling come over me....it made me feel a little scared, though I'm not sure of what. I felt the fear increase as I felt the security of having my husband in my life fade away as I remembered he was gone and I was truly alone. I decided it would be nice to hear someones voice so I tried calling my mom, no answer, called my brother and got his voicemail. I didn't call anyone else and within minutes my brother returned my call and we spoke for about an hour. The Lord knew what I needed when I needed it. After the call ended I went back to my desk and worked, did some household chores then read some articles out of our state home school magazine. There were articles in there waiting for me......two in particular written by one of my new friends that has walked this journey ahead of me. Not that I would wish this journey on anyone......but I will say I am thankful to have her to email and to read her journal posts which I can relate to.

God is good, He is faithful and may we always rest in His promises......He will NEVER fail us.