Thankfulness.....in the hope He gives to us

I seem to come here at times of deep sorrow, hurtful dates and releasing pent up emotions.....I come here tonight to share a rare feeling lately.....a full feeling of peace and thankfulness and hope.

Everyone is in bed, all is quiet; it was a typical Monday. Nothing eventful, everyday occurrences such as more snow :), school, laundry, cooking, dishes, phone calls, emails, re-directing behaviors, etc.

It seems my peace and joy are fleeting these last 5 months as I walk this journey without my sweet prince....I have found everything colored by the loss of him. Even something like watching the snow fall for the first time without him, it hurt, it made me ache. Seeing an old man walk through the grocery store with his elderly wife by his side, made me ache.....knowing that I would never walk with my man like that in our older years.

I have found over the last few days the Lord has given me something that I'm sure has been there all along but that I am just able to begin feeling longer and longer. That is a peace and hope of who He wants me to be with just Him as my spiritual leader and Father. I remember having this feeling, very fleetingly a couple of months ago when I was alone for the first time in the house. I shared it with my oldest son and he asked if I could hold onto it and remember it from time to time to give me hope.....I hadn't thought of that and I did, I prayed for God to help me recognize it when it came and He has. He is faithful.

I have felt this for the last few days. Days, not minutes, not hours, but days. I am so thankful. He is filling me up.

I was able to do a project today that I had wanted to do but wasn't sure when I would emotionally have the strength to do it. As I have said in previous posts, I trust God to let me know when I am ready for something such as this project and I wait for His timing. Today it came to fruition and I am excited and warmed.

I have shared with you that pictures have been healing and hard.......sometimes I wondered why I spent so much time and money on taking and developing pictures and putting them into scrapbooks. I do not ever have to wonder why again. My children and other friends and family have poured over these albums and looked through the pictures. They are healing hearts and bring back memories which then turn to stories of our Daddy, friend and hubby..... I, myself have found them very difficult at times. Especially when the wound was the freshest. I had an 8x10 picture of him on one of our kitchen cupboards and had to finally tape it to the inside of the cabinet instead for awhile because it was like a physical kick to the stomach to see it upon walking into the kitchen. For our children, our youngest especially they have helped him go to sleep at night. This is truly the most difficult thing we have ever experienced on this earth.....truly. There is no handbook to tell you what to do.....you have to trust and rely on your faith in Christ. I guess there is a handbook, a handbook to life, God gave it to us, His Word, THE HOLY BIBLE.

Pictures help O'Deller to maintain her relationship with her Poppa. She loves looking at pictures of him and her.....again, I am glad there are so many, and there would not be had she and her parents not lived here with us.....again, God's plan. His plan is perfect.

So today, I sorted through pictures! Many pictures! God helped me do this and they brought joy and smiles......I was able to do this without that all too familiar pain across my chest.....sweet tears, yes, an ache, yes, speaking his name and telling him I missed him, YES. My goal was to gather a nice group of them, trim them and set them under the plexi-glass of my desk. A few years ago my man, brilliant as he was, took an old oak door and made it into a desk top for me. He then cut a piece of plexi-glass to size and put it on top. I prepared the pictures while my oldest daughter got on Microsoft Publisher and made little, fun labels.....such as ....."daddy/daughter true love the love of my life sweet prince first house senior prom wedding day father and son daddy and his boys got milk family" you get the idea.....I placed colored paper on the desk, arranged the pictures I had trimmed then added her labels she had printed out.....then placed the plexi-glass back on the desk. I was able to do half the desk. It looks wonderful...... I am thankful. I spend a lot of my day in that room, grading, mail, computer, bills, phonework, etc. Now I have my sweet prince and word pictures of our life over the last 23 years under the glass. A project that I was not sure when I could do.

Thank you Lord for again proving to me that all things are possible WITH YOU. I am nothing without Him - He gives me bright hope for each tomorrow. I pray you are content - if not, seek Him and give into His ways for they will bring the only true peace you need to spend eternity in Heaven. The world and it's self-righteous ways are empty and are not long lasting.