Sleep has eluded me the past couple of weeks. I am up way too late and then have a hard time getting up in the morning for my walking/work out routine.
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I am tired, yet cannot turn my mind down or off. I find myself reading the Word, doing word puzzles, listening to music, praying, writing, looking at magazines, seed catalogs, looking at pictures, etc. Thought maybe it was too much distraction like Facebook....so tried paring my friends list down to just people I rarely see or hear from, but that didn't do it, so it wasn't FB's fault that I wasn't sleeping :O)
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Truly it is the hate or strong dislike of turning off the light and rolling over in an empty bed. Going to bed is a flashing red neon sign of my being only half here. My sweet prince and I were only apart MAYBE a total of 14 days, not consecutively, but here and there over the whole 23 years of our marriage. A sweet friend and I were just talking the other night about how hubby and I most always went to bed together.....neither of us could fall asleep without the other being in bed. She and her hubby were in married student housing with us when we were first married....they were veterans and had been married 4 years, we had been married 48 hours when we moved in :) We received LOTS of good natured teasing from this couple over the years. So many wonderful memories shared with them.
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So, I dread going to bed.
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After he had been called Home I slept in one of my daughter's rooms. The last time I slept in our bed was the night before he died. I never slept in our bed again. Never even tried, didn't want to do it alone, without him. It was the first decision I made. To get rid of the bed.....a few weeks after the funeral. I even contemplated moving bedrooms......hubby and I designed this room together. The reasons why I decided to stay in it were the reasons I was afraid to go back into it.....because it is US. Everything about it reminds me of us as one. After about 6 weeks we did some remodeling....nothing big....just a partial wall and painting. It was enough of a change though that it made me feel comfortable and God gave me the strength to stay here in our room.
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The first night I came back into "my" bedroom, I slept surprisingly well. I thank God for that. It stayed that way until about the time our new grandbaby was born. Not sure why, can't think of any event or occurance that happened to change it, must be a part of this grief walk. I pray that God will give me the comfort, ability and wisdom to see what I may need to do or try. Maybe I am focusing too much on the alone part. My friend suggested a total new routine to going to bed....and one night I brought some grading up here to do and that did seem to work - the change in focus.
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Any suggestions are welcome and of course prayers are appreciated.
3 comments:
Hmmm .... such sweet revelations dear one. What you are not realizing is that you are becoming more adept in coping with your sweet prince's absence ... however, your body does not like it any more than your heart/mind/spirit.
Here are some ideas: A warm cup of milk or honeyed green tea before going to bed, walking on the treadmill for 20 minutes followed by a hot shower, then listening to your Ipod for awhile, getting one of the boy's sleeping bags and cocooning into it in your bed ... take one of your grand-daughter's stuffed animals to snuggle with,
:-).
Love you so much hon.
I am thinking that this lack of
sleeping might be something to talk
over with the doctor. To not sleep
well sets up a pattern that trying
home remedies first but then some times a short term relaxant at bedtime may be needed.
Your faith ultimately will see
you through but God does provide
for short term medication to break
the cycle...that is why He gives
that recourse as a possible course
of action.
Our prayers and love are
constant for you and the children.
Anonymous
Jim's dad told me he always prays for everyone he can think of and the devil usually always puts him to sleep:)
It is tough. I go through seasons of staying up late too.
I emailed my list before. But a couple more ideas from other women I read books by are go to bed early (sounds impossible to me,goine to be every night by 9pm, but worked for her; Occasionally I have gone to be when the kids do.) Another woman said she just works herself to exhaustion and then crawls into bed too tired to think. (This too has worked, at times.)
Lately taking some herbal supplements and reading have done the job of lulling me to sleep.
Calling a friend once the kids are down usually helps too.
Chatting about the day with my husband was how I used to unwind. I could go to sleep with my mind unloaded. Now I have to call a friend, journal, or pray to unwind and unload.
The biggest struggle with grief is what worked one time to deal with something doesn't always work the next time.
Praying for you, dear friend, and feel free to call ANYTIME! Even at 2am!!
((Hugs))
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